Earlier this week I attended an emergency meeting of the DuroSport Board of The Directors. At this meeting I was informed of just how serious The Situation is. Apparently we have a case of The Cash Crunch. Now we are having to make changes to the way we do business.

What does this mean for you the loyal DuroSport consumer? I will tell you.

Effective immediately we are suspending all work that is not directly related to our “core competencies”.

This means:

• All new product development is now on hold
• All advertising and marketing campaigns are being suspended
• All research projects are cancelled
• Sales of our products are being suspended indefinitely — we cannot afford the shipping to send The Boxes to The Retail stores

So, what are our “core competencies”? That is a good question. There are many things we are good at here at DuroSport.

• Accounting. We have always been good at this and we will continue to count things while The Economy is bad.
• Accepting return merchandise. We lead the industry in this area. Also, our customers pay for the return shipping, so this is much more affordable than sending products to The Consumers.
• Angry correspondence. Both sending and receiving. Postage is still reasonably affordable, and we are happy to send angry emails to our customers and local politicians. Those are practically free.

There are many more things that we are good at, but I will not bore you with a very long list. Basically, we are very good at anything that does not involve making a product or selling it.

Needless to say, there will be no Pütz for The Christmas again this year. While that may seem like very sad news, there is even sadder news.

We will soon be closing our Second Life DuroStore.

You can not imagine how painful it is for me to make that announcement. I have loved our Second Life DuroStore like I have never loved any virtual retail department store (and I have loved many).

It is very fortunate that I completed night school this past summer and earned my diploma. I have a feeling I may be in The Job Market soon.

Also, I am writing a book. More on that soon.

I am me, Vladimir Concescu, Chief Product Engineer of DuroSport Electronic Company.

Here I am, with a new announcing: DuroSport is winning $300 million dollars from U.S. Senator John McCain for Best Car Battery: the DuroSport Utility Deutrium-Tritium Batterizer 8002.

This is our promising: our battery is keeping your car on the run for up to 1 Full Year in a single charging! This will making us winning. Very excitement!

How is this coming from, you can say? Easing! In surfing the internets today, I am seeing the headline as following: Sen. McCain offers $300 million prize for new auto battery.

I am think: wait! DuroSport has already previous developing the revolutionizing Deutrium-Tritium battery for the Prism 6000, and have instant turned the entire DuroSport Producting Department to autoizing it!

We are today prototypical a car-sized versioning — The DuroSport Utility Deutrium-Tritium Batterizer 8002!! — which is winning Senator John McCain-giving prize for three reasonings:

1. Can running autos for exactly as long as is plugged in! Up to a year! Imagining keeping your car on the run for a full year.
2. Is smallerized such that will fit in only half of your trunk. 4′ x 3′ x 3.’
3. Previously Deutrium-Tritium battery has been accusing of radioactivating people: Moldovan lawgivers are tell me saying that officially previous was only “slightly radioactive.” Problem is solving with fully lead casing. Now radioactivity legally downgrading to “barely noticiable.”

Thanking you very much, Senator McCain: please cheque should be making out with “DuroSport Electronics.”

I am me, Vladimir Concescu, Chief Product Engineer of the DuroSports Electronic Company.

Having been very gone from these blogger shores for quite some timing, I am owning an explanation to many of the fans of our company and producings. I was in studyment since my returning from Moldovan Prisonerness, and am readying to be working on great DuroSport Products (have you heard rumourings of DuroPhone?) sooner. Sooner!

First offering, however, is that today, February 29, 2008 is my birthing day. I am 32 years younger, now, ha ha! Happy birthing day to me! Happy birthing day to me! Nero is not remembering, of course, so partying at DuroSport office is minimized today.

Today is also 20th anniversary of my workings at DuroSport Electronics. I was in conscription on my 12th birthing day from DuroSport Militia to the workings in original DuroSport factory in Moldova. Now I am here in America, and have announcing of very importance. Importance!!

My studyment is over now, because I, Vladimir Concescu, am now a U.S. Citizenry! In additional, I am in voting for U.S. President! President!

But for who am I in voting, you are ask? At first, I am in the voting for Fred Thompson, because he is on television show: The Law and The Order. If he is on television show, I am in reasoning, then he must be smarter person than other non-television show on people candidacies.

In additionally, he must be knowing about both The Law and The Order. Knowing about The Law and keeping The Order is highly importance to Moldovan such as myself.

But then he is gone. Gone! Where is Mr. Thompson? Not a candidacy any more.

Then I am seeing Barack Obama on the TV. Now, seeing my MySpace page is proving that I am very much into the girl-liking, but he is very compulsory to me. Compulsory!

And when he is yelling the repeating words over and over, and cheering is loudening and loudening, suddenly I am in seizure with hoping and happiness for the future. The future!

Keep repeating the yelling words at me some more, Mr. Obama! I am liking the hoping and the happiness!

Also, his name is proving that he is foreigner American, like me! Foreigner Americans have perspectiveness on America unlike homeland Americans. I would be a great Presidential Candicacy because of my perspectiveness.

All of those reasonings — and more! — are why I, Vladimir Concescu, is Endorsing Barack Obama as my candicacy for the President of the United States of America. America!

After our last setback I knew that it would be a difficult challenge meeting the manufacturing deadline for the busy holiday season. Unfortunately we have made ABSOLUTELY NO PROGRESS in the last two months. How is that possible? I will tell you.

Shortly after returning from his stay in the Moldovan prison, Vladimir started behaving strangely (strange even for him). He refused to read any of the memos or product documents that had been written in his absence. So, I asked Vladimir how he planed to develop the new product without reading any of the specifications, and he says to me “I am going on a low information diet”.

That was not even an answer to my question. And what in the hell is a Low Information Diet?

Then Vladimir started refusing to attend our weekly meetings. He said that our meetings were a waste of time and started ranting about some Italian named Pareto.

Meanwhile, I could not help but notice that he does not consider The MySpace a waste of time, as he is still spending most of his day “chatting with the cuties” (his words, not mine).

There is no talking with Vladimir when he gets like this, so I sent him an email. And then I did not hear anything for a week. Finally, the following Monday morning he replies “Thank you for contacting the Vladimir Concescu with problems you have. My virtual assistant will be in contacting you with shortly”.

Virtual assistant?! The man does almost no work, why does he need an assistant?

Later that day I got a call on The Skype. It was from some lady in Bangalore. She told me that Vladimir had assigned my case to her and that she would be helping me resolve my problem. I will say that she was very polite, and her English was much better than Vladimir’s. But still, this is no way to do business.

Finally I cornered Vladimir at the coffee machine (if he is not on The MySpace or in the restroom, he is at the coffee machine). That is when he told me about his “muse”. He explained that he is starting a dating service with his girlfriends on The MySpace.

I asked him, what kind of muse is a MySpace dating service?!

Then he explains that he will need the income when he is on his “mini-retirement”.

Mini-retirement? He just spent three months lounging around the Moldovan prison racking up data access charges. And now his is retiring?

Then he hands me The 4-hour Workweek book and says, “I am going to escape 9-5, live anywhere, and join the new rich”. I was a little surprised by that, but then I noticed that it says those exact words on the cover. Vladimir is very impressionable.

So, the reason why there will be no Pütz for Christmas is because Vladimir read this stupid book.

Worse yet, the book has been making the rounds at The DuroSport headquarters. Now Otto in security is wanting to negotiate his schedule so he can work from home. I am sorry, I may be old fashioned, but security guard is not a job that can be done from home!

Mr. Timothy Ferris is the worst kind of moron. His stupid book is destroying our company. He is the enemy of capitalism! I came to America to get away from people like him.

Please Mr. Ferris, take your next mini-retirement in Romania and do not write any more books.

I am me, Vladimir Concescu, Chief Product Engineer of the DuroSport Electronics Company.

I am back from my staying in Moldovan Prison #34,982. Did you missing me? Am very saddened that I wasn’t allowing to blogging from inside Moldovan Prison #34,982 and not sharing my thinkings on the bittorrenting of Heroes finale. Couldn’t Chiseljaw Flyingman just drop Spongeboy Squarehair over the ocean and flying away before explosioning instead of explosioning over New York? The Atlantic Ocean is very big. Big!

But I am not in the posting for that reason; I am recording the straight record on what Nero is writing about my prisonerness. I am explaining how it is all Nero’s fault. Nero’s!

The first: “Parking Tickets” were officialdom explainings, not real true story-telling. Nero is so authoritative following he accepted that explaining.

The true story-telling is that I was being taking back to Moldova for the gambling losings. In the Second Life. The Second Life! Had it not been for Nero’s insistings I would not have been going to the Second Life!! Thank you, Nero! (That is sarcastish.)

Had it not been for Nero’s insistings that I am coming to the Second Life for launches of the Virtual Prism DuroSport (which is outselling the iPod in the Second Life!), my avatard would not be flying into the Moldovan state-runned Cantemir Casino.

I am loving on the Blackjack. Many ex-girlfriends are saying I am addiction on the Blackjack. So was stopping the playing in the real life. But this was the Second Life. Not real. Playtime for Vladimir. Playtime!

In the first, my lucky was good good lucky. But, in late April, there was huge loss streaking happening. Huge! Dealers blackjacking times after times after times. Doubling on 11 vs. dealers 6 and losing. Bad bad lucky. Not even split of tens was helping my bad bad lucky. Suddenly I am owing Moldovan state-runned Cantemir Casino 404,721.75 Linden Dollars. Worst off: noone is telling me that is real money!! Equalling 20,000 Moldovan Leu of real money.

So Nero is flying over very big Atlantic Ocean for his thinking paying of “prisoner detention” but in reals, he is paying my gambling debts. Ha!

In the meanwhile, I was in Moldovan Prison #34,982 and am researching very very heavily on the MySpace, coming up with producting ideas for the Pütz by meeting many future ex-girlfriends. Some might be questioning my methodings, as always, but look at the awesomosity of the Prism 6000.

Not even Nero is questioning the Prism awesomosity.

65,000 Leu in Data Access charges is small pricing for his payment when Pütz is coming out. And VideoTron: not forgetful of the VideoTron. Both will be doubling in awesomosity!

Because now, Vladimir Concescu is back at the game! That is from my new bittorrented favorite show: John Of Cincinnatti.

One thing I am learning in Moldovan Prison #34,982 and John Of Cincinnatti: time and deadlines have no relevantness. The things are happening when they are happening because they are happening.

As will the Pütz.

“Where is Vladimir? Is he working on the Pütz? When will the Pütz be available at The Best Buy?”. These are common questions that I have been asked almost every day for the past three months. Until last week I did not have a good answer.

Sometime during the month of May Vladimir disappeared. He did not leave a note. He did not mark off any days on the Official DuroSport Corporate Vacation Calendar. He did not even turn on his “out of the office’ auto-reply in The Lotus Notes (even though the official DuroSport corporate policy dictates that all employees must use an “out of the office” auto-reply when leaving the office for more than 9 hours).

Many of us were angry that he would leave the company at such an important time. We are already one year late in bringing the Pütz to market, and now our Chief Product Engineer runs off to who knows where.

By June we all figured out that the company runs much more smoothly without Vladimir around. But that did not change the fact that we are counting on Vladimir to finish his engineering work on the Pütz. There are still many important design issues that must be addressed. It was beginning to look like maybe he was not up to the challenge. Could it be that Vladimir had outdone himself with the Prism DuroSport? Was it possible that the product specifications for the Pütz are so advanced that Vladimir does not have the necessary skills to finish the design?

By July we stopped worrying and learned to enjoy what we were all beginning to call “our special quiet time without Vladimir”.

The DuroSport employee night at The Safeco Field was particularly enjoyable this year without Vladimir around. He is constantly arguing that JJ Putz can run faster than Ichiro Suzuki. It is so stupid! He is the only person who could possibly believe that. Maybe JJ can beat Ichiro in The Arm Wrestling, but he is NOT faster than Ichiro.

Then the call came in from the Ministry of Public Awareness. They called to make me aware of the fact that Vladimir had spent over three months in a Moldovan jail! His debt to society had been repaid and they would release him as soon as someone could come and sign for him.

When you imagine all of the things that Vladimir might be arrested for, the real story was not so bad. He was “extradited” by The Moldovan Parking Enforcement and Secret Police for unpaid parking tickets. The Moldovan government is really cracking down on The Parking recently. They are serious about it too.

When I went to claim Vladimir (yes, I had to fly all the way to Moldova), I found out why they would not release him without a signature. It turns out they needed a valid credit card to cover the cost of Vladimir’s stay. When I signed for Vladimir the officer handed me a bill for 85,000 Moldovan Leu!

Here is the worst part. The bill was itemized: 20,000 Leu for “prisoner detention” and 65,000 Leu for “data access charges”.

Data access charges?!

If you are unfamiliar with Moldova you may not be aware that its prison system has recently undergone a number of upgrades. For a long time there were many whiney “human rights” advocates complaining to The United Nations about the treatment of prisoners in Moldova. It was ridiculous. What do they expect? They are prisoners, we should not treat them like they are staying at the Chisinau Inn!

But of course, as is always the case, the prisoners won out and Moldova was forced to upgrade its prisons. Now it really is like the Chisinau Inn. Except that the Chisinau Inn still does not have The Wireless Internet.

You can guess what Vladimir did the whole time he was in jail. Surfed The MySpace and made even more girlfriends. Who knows what kind of stupid product ideas they will give him.

So, now that Vladimir is back from his Summer Vacation in Moldova I hope that he will get back to work and finally finish the Pütz. At this rate they will release Zune 2.0 before the Pütz.

Everyone once in a while we get a complaint. This is very rare. You will have a hard time finding someone who has something bad to say about our DuroSport products. When we do get a complaint it is almost always a “user error”. And by “almost always” I mean ALWAYS.

Below I will reprint a complete transcript of a recent customer service encounter. Please note the following about this individual:

1. She is not an electrical engineer (completely unqualified to state that there is a problem with our product)
2. She obviously does not know how to use a simple ordinary web site.
3. She did not listen to our theme song (there are useful pointers in that song)
4. She does not have time to play 20 questions

If you know a stupid person, please urge them NOT to buy a DuroSport.

[19:09] Nero Rang: now what seems to be the problem here?
[19:09] DeeDee Lang: i tried using the player earlier
[19:09] DeeDee Lang: but it was very frustrating
[19:10] Nero Rang: May I ask what level of education you have completed?
[19:10] DeeDee Lang: graduate level, 3 sems to completion
[19:10] Nero Rang: and what is your background in electrical engineering?
[19:10] DeeDee Lang: Nero i don’t have time to play 20 questions
[19:11] DeeDee Lang: i’ve spent enough time trying to figure out this equipment
[19:11] You: I am sorry, if you are not willing to help me help you I can’t help you. Can I?
[19:11] DeeDee Lang: the point is it doesn’t work
[19:11] DeeDee Lang: so i asked earlier–is it a pretend player or does it really play in world
[19:11] You: I am sorry, but I am afraid there must be a user error and I am trying to figure out what your problem was
[19:11] You: Did you read the documentation?
[19:12] DeeDee Lang: :)
[19:12] You: And what exactly were you expecting? In what way did the Prism DuroSport SL6000vrmp not live up to your expectations?
[19:13] DeeDee Lang: i’m looking for a media player that can play my favorite songs in world
[19:13] DeeDee Lang: i read on your site
[19:13] DeeDee Lang: that the player can integrate with itune
[19:13] You: yes, it can
[19:14] You: did you get the iTunes compatibility kit?
[19:14] DeeDee Lang: no–not yet….i can’t even get past the same page
[19:14] DeeDee Lang: on the instruction button–it had 1 thru however many pages
[19:14] DeeDee Lang: but everytime i click on a page
[19:15] DeeDee Lang: the web page is the same web page over and over again
[19:15] You: and what page was that?
[19:15] You: Did you fill out a support request on our website?
[19:15] DeeDee Lang: no i didn’t.
[19:15] You: Oy, it is so hard trying to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.
[19:15] You: Did you listen to the theme song?
[19:15] DeeDee Lang: no.
[19:16] Otto the DuroSport Security Robot: Do not fear our technology - it is mostly harmless.
[19:16] Otto the DuroSport Security Robot: Please see durosport.com for more information about product recalls
[19:16] You: There are many answers in that song as well. Especially about the iTunes compatibility.
[19:16] You: It is sort of a customer support theme song
[19:16] DeeDee Lang: thanks for the refund, Nero.
[19:16] DeeDee Lang: I have to go.
[19:16] You: If you heard the song you would realize that you are the only person who has ever had a problem with our product.
[19:17] DeeDee Lang: have a great evening.
[19:17] You: May I ask you for a testimonial?
[19:17] You: about your experience with the DuroSport?
[19:17] DeeDee Lang: you wouldn’t want my testimonial. :)

I am me, Vladimir Concescu, Chief Product Engineer of the DuroSport Electronics Company.

I am in the testings for DuroSport VideoTron with The Heroes from this week on NBC, and am sharing my thinkings about it with you!

Spoilings for this weeks episodic are now coming next!

Oh no! Zombie Man is snowglobing his mom, then the scissoring. Scissoring! What powering is she having? Maybe is resurrecting in next episodic?

Hiro and Sidekick are watch the whole thing, but Zombie Man is hearing their heartbeatings only in hollow-brain apartment of Future-Painting Painter of The Future. The Future!

And Zombie Man not frozening in time? Uh-oh! How is Hiro to be the stabbing of Zombie Man if not for frozening time?

Teenage Cheeringlead Girl and Spongeboy Squarehair are talks talks talks, but no powerings; but Teenage Cheeringlead Girl sees Glasses Man and Explosion Man. Then Spongeboy Squarehair is becoming Explosion Man. Soon Zombie Man will brain eat Explosion Man and he is becoming Explosion Man.

Ich bin ein Explosion Man!

I am me, Vladimir Concescu, Chief Product Engineer of the DuroSport Electronics Company.

I am in the testings for DuroSport VideoTron with The Heroes from this week on NBC, and am sharing my thinkings about it with you!

Spoilings for this weeks episodic are now coming next!

Am very saddening: dead Heroes are all eating by President Zombie Man in The Future. The Future!

Once time I was thinking that teenage girls were future, but in future of the Heroes, Teenage Cheeringlead Girl is victimized of President Zombie Man! As was Chiseljaw Flyingman, who was painted President by Future-Painting Painter of the Future, but its really Zombie Man!

Also, is Good Stripper, not eaten by Zombie Man. How can Stripper creating boredoms in my brain? And how come President Zombie not eating Good Stripper? I hate Zombie Man, always eats wrong Heroes.

Lucking, the two Hiros — Funny Hiro and Scary Hiro — are in same timing/spacing dimensions, like the two Willows on Buffy and the Vampire Slayers. And they are confused the Mind-Reader so that Scary Hiro can get Spongeboy Scarface to battling with President Zombie Man, so that Funny Hiro can zipping to the past and saving New York.

Wow! Besting. Episodic. Ever.

I am me, Vladimir Concescu, Chief Product Engineer of the DuroSport Electronics Company.

I am in the testings for DuroSport Videotron with The Heroes from this week on NBC, and am sharing my thinkings about it with you!

Some crying babies are saying that I am spoilings of The Heroes, so go away you crying babies who are not seeing it so far. Like Nero, watcher only of The Lost’s first season, and was firing Ronin Kurosawa, our Second Life Project Manager, for the killing of Mr Eko spoilings.

I am seriousness here. Seriousness! See it now before reading more, if not, you have been understanding the happenings of The Heroes from my following writing coming next.

Am very saddening at death of my favoritist character — Future-Painting Painter of The Future — by brain-eater Zombie Man. Zombie Man (am I calling him for brain consumptions) has no artistness in his soul comparing to Future-Painting Painter of The Future, Isaac. Bad Zombie Man! Bad! (Yes, am understand of villianious needs in gigantic stories like The Heroes. But am loving the hated.)

Maybe Zombie Man also eating heroin addicting, similar to when he is eating Keith Richards. Maybe brain-eating already drugging for Zombie Man!

Don’t going to New York, Mr. Glasses! You are making sure that all exploding peoples are in New York — Nuclear Man, SpongeBoy Squarehair — for nuclear explosion! Explosion! We had underground testings in Moldova, and waters ran glowing for years.

Additioning, many other questionings arrive after Episode view:

• How can there be two Hiros at same placings? Once time, there were many Commander Datas at same placings, but space-time was fluctuation, not Commander Data controlling it.
• How can Teenage Cheeringlead Girl have two fathers? Chiseljaw Flying Man and Mr. Glasses? And is SpongeBoy Squarehair really creepy Uncle or adoption victim like Teenage Cheeringlead Girl?
• How can I tell Evil Stripper from Good Stripper? Not caring about last one, as Stripper creates huge boredoms in my brain. Boredoms! Like when Voiceover Man is speaks and speaks and speaks and speaks. Why can’t Zombie Man eating throats instead of brains!! Start with Voiceover Man, pleasing, Zombie Man.

Next week, we are everything learnings!