We have just learned that our aerosol can supplier in China mistakenly shipped us a small number of recycled cans. In some cases New Books Smell labels were inadvertently affixed to cans that actually contain new car smell.

Please note that this mixup will not cause any harm to the consumer or to the electronic books. It is just that these cans will not produce the scent that you are expecting.

If you have already purchased a can of New Book Smell you may return it to the store for a full refund. However, it is very important that you understand that you are under no obligation to do so. In fact, we strongly encourage you to use these cans in an automobile. They will work especially well if you have a very old automobile. It probably will not be noticeable if your automobile is new.

I must apologize for this unfortunate incident. This is obviously not what we had in mind when we created the Smell of Books. We are working to address this problem and return the product to the market as quickly as possible. Please continue to check this website for updates.

Thank you.

I am not sure, but I believe that this so-called guild is the government department that oversees the bohemians who write the stories. I am checking with our lawyers right now to see if we must respond to this nonsense, or if I can give the letter to Vladimir to shred.

In the meantime, I would like to let you, the customer, know that we are doing everything we can to protect your right to smell your electronic books.

Here is the full text of the letter from “The Authors Guild”:

To whom it may concern:

The Authors Guild has recently been made aware of a new e-book related product called “Smell of Books”. This product has allegedly been designed to improve the e-book reading experience by simulating the smell of a real book.

While the Authors Guild supports efforts to improve the digital reading experience, we believe this product represents a significant threat to the development of aroma rights, and as such, will adversely impact the rights of our members.

It is important to note that in the digital era, books, and the smell of books, have been decoupled. In the future we expect authors to participate in the development of custom aromas for their books. These olfactory rights constitute a derivative right to be licensed separately. The preservation of these rights is essential as authors explore new markets and distribution channels.

Allowing unauthorized third parties to provide the “scent” for a book substantially changes the underlying work to a degree that infringes upon the author’s copyright, not to mention artistic vision.

Today the Authors Guild is calling on the DuroSport Corporation to remove the Smell of Books product line from the market. Furthermore, we are advising our members to refrain from licensing aroma rights until we have more clarity on this issue.

Even though it has been many years since we made this book reading software, I still think about electronic books every day. It is probably because I have a bookshelf full of electronic books on floppy disk in my office. I keep hoping that some day the electronic books will come back and be popular again. It is starting to look like that might happen soon.

In the past year we have noticed many companies have begun manufacturing “electronic book reading machines”. Most of these machines are laughably small and have inferior screens that are difficult to read. It is certainly not like reading a book on the Tandy.

Still, these machines have caused us to think that now might be a good time to get back into the electronic book business.

Normally our engineers would simply design a new DuroSport product that would crush the competition. This is easy to do because our machines are always much larger and heavier than the competition.

Unfortunately the electronic book business is much more complicated than other areas of the electronics industry.

First, there are many different electronic book formats and no one can seem to agree on which one is best. Personally I am betting on DTML (DuroSport Text Markup Language). Unfortunately the DTML is still in the development phase and will not be ready to go for a little while.

There is also a problem with the stories. What will the people read on these electronic book reading machines? We cannot write the books ourselves. That is a job for bohemians.

All of these things will take time to sort out, but we cannot wait. As our Chairman said during the recent board meeting, companies like The Amazon and Sony are eating our lunch. We cannot allow that. We should be eating our own lunch.

After doing some very time consuming and tedious market research we have finally arrived at a solution. Our research has shown that 85% of consumers are not interested in electronic books. It is because 14% of the people we surveyed have never even heard of electronic books and 71% of the people we surveyed said that they do not like the way electronic books smell.

Actually, I believe that it is probably because they like the way paper books smell. Either way, it does not matter. Our new product will solve this problem once and for all.

Today DuroSport is releasing the Smell of Books in a can! It is an aerosol spray that you can apply as you would a deodorant, except that you spray it on the electronic book, and not under your arms (although you can do that too, but then you will smell like a book).

Our Smell of Books is compatible with every electronic book format and every brand of book reading machine. What is even better is that the Smell of Books is available in five flavors.

You can learn all about the Smell of Books product at our new website.

With the help of our friends in China we have recently received substantial investment capital. The DuroSport Corporation is now able to move forward with The Business as usual.

We are already seeing many changes and improvements as a result of The Stimulus. For example, we have all new office furniture. My new “power desk” arrived last week and I now have enough room to eat lunch at my computer. Also, I am sitting on The Aeron as I type this Blog Post. It was made by the Famous Seat Designer Herman Müller. It is so comfortable I do not want to go home at night. In fact, some nights I stay late and just sit in comfort.

We are also upgrading our important office systems. We have all new Tandy computers, and a new high speed modem for our customer support BBS. Next week we will be upgrading to WordStar 2007.

Unfortunately, I am beginning to realize that money cannot solve all of The Problems. Like Vladimir, for example. He has a new paper shredder. It is really huge. Normally I like equipment that is large, but this shredder might be too large. Vladimir can shred an entire ream of paper in 15 seconds. He is shredding everything in sight.

Vladimir is also spending too much time on his new CB Radio. He is always talking in The CB Slang. What does it mean when he says “WD-40 good buddy?”

I can live with these slight annoyances because there are so many exciting new projects under way. Like The Skunkworks Project which is now on The Fast Track.

It is an exciting time to be a DuroSport employee. It is an even better time to be a DuroSport customer.

I cannot tell you how unhappy this development makes me. That building was my home away from home and I loved it like a brother. A real brother, not a step brother.

I am sure you will have many questions about The Incident. First of all, I must tell you that The Explosion of our deuterium tritium charging station was what we call “an isolated occurrence”. In The First Life our charging stations rarely explode, and when they do the fire is usually MUCH smaller.

Also, some of you may be wondering where you can purchase a virtual Prism DuroSport. Sadly, The Answer is nowhere. They are no longer for sale. If you were lucky enough to buy one you now own A Collectible.

In my last post I mentioned that we were planning to close The DuroStore as a cost cutting measure. Next week we were set to announce our big Going Out Of Business in The Second Life Sale. In fact, I have already ordered The Signs.

I want to assure all of you that this fire was in no way related to The Insurance. Of course, we will be filing a claim for the loss of The Building. We have paid our premiums, why not use the policy now that we need it?

While you are crying about the DuroStore I might as well break even more bad news to you. Otto the Durosport Security Robot was also killed by the fire. All of us here at the DuroSport headquarters send our regards to Otto’s family.

The video below was reconstructed from various surveillance cameras that were watching the store 24 and 7. Please say goodbye to our fine store while it burns down.

Earlier this week I attended an emergency meeting of the DuroSport Board of The Directors. At this meeting I was informed of just how serious The Situation is. Apparently we have a case of The Cash Crunch. Now we are having to make changes to the way we do business.

What does this mean for you the loyal DuroSport consumer? I will tell you.

Effective immediately we are suspending all work that is not directly related to our “core competencies”.

This means:

• All new product development is now on hold
• All advertising and marketing campaigns are being suspended
• All research projects are cancelled
• Sales of our products are being suspended indefinitely — we cannot afford the shipping to send The Boxes to The Retail stores

So, what are our “core competencies”? That is a good question. There are many things we are good at here at DuroSport.

• Accounting. We have always been good at this and we will continue to count things while The Economy is bad.
• Accepting return merchandise. We lead the industry in this area. Also, our customers pay for the return shipping, so this is much more affordable than sending products to The Consumers.
• Angry correspondence. Both sending and receiving. Postage is still reasonably affordable, and we are happy to send angry emails to our customers and local politicians. Those are practically free.

There are many more things that we are good at, but I will not bore you with a very long list. Basically, we are very good at anything that does not involve making a product or selling it.

Needless to say, there will be no Pütz for The Christmas again this year. While that may seem like very sad news, there is even sadder news.

We will soon be closing our Second Life DuroStore.

You can not imagine how painful it is for me to make that announcement. I have loved our Second Life DuroStore like I have never loved any virtual retail department store (and I have loved many).

It is very fortunate that I completed night school this past summer and earned my diploma. I have a feeling I may be in The Job Market soon.

Also, I am writing a book. More on that soon.

After our last setback I knew that it would be a difficult challenge meeting the manufacturing deadline for the busy holiday season. Unfortunately we have made ABSOLUTELY NO PROGRESS in the last two months. How is that possible? I will tell you.

Shortly after returning from his stay in the Moldovan prison, Vladimir started behaving strangely (strange even for him). He refused to read any of the memos or product documents that had been written in his absence. So, I asked Vladimir how he planed to develop the new product without reading any of the specifications, and he says to me “I am going on a low information diet”.

That was not even an answer to my question. And what in the hell is a Low Information Diet?

Then Vladimir started refusing to attend our weekly meetings. He said that our meetings were a waste of time and started ranting about some Italian named Pareto.

Meanwhile, I could not help but notice that he does not consider The MySpace a waste of time, as he is still spending most of his day “chatting with the cuties” (his words, not mine).

There is no talking with Vladimir when he gets like this, so I sent him an email. And then I did not hear anything for a week. Finally, the following Monday morning he replies “Thank you for contacting the Vladimir Concescu with problems you have. My virtual assistant will be in contacting you with shortly”.

Virtual assistant?! The man does almost no work, why does he need an assistant?

Later that day I got a call on The Skype. It was from some lady in Bangalore. She told me that Vladimir had assigned my case to her and that she would be helping me resolve my problem. I will say that she was very polite, and her English was much better than Vladimir’s. But still, this is no way to do business.

Finally I cornered Vladimir at the coffee machine (if he is not on The MySpace or in the restroom, he is at the coffee machine). That is when he told me about his “muse”. He explained that he is starting a dating service with his girlfriends on The MySpace.

I asked him, what kind of muse is a MySpace dating service?!

Then he explains that he will need the income when he is on his “mini-retirement”.

Mini-retirement? He just spent three months lounging around the Moldovan prison racking up data access charges. And now his is retiring?

Then he hands me The 4-hour Workweek book and says, “I am going to escape 9-5, live anywhere, and join the new rich”. I was a little surprised by that, but then I noticed that it says those exact words on the cover. Vladimir is very impressionable.

So, the reason why there will be no Pütz for Christmas is because Vladimir read this stupid book.

Worse yet, the book has been making the rounds at The DuroSport headquarters. Now Otto in security is wanting to negotiate his schedule so he can work from home. I am sorry, I may be old fashioned, but security guard is not a job that can be done from home!

Mr. Timothy Ferris is the worst kind of moron. His stupid book is destroying our company. He is the enemy of capitalism! I came to America to get away from people like him.

Please Mr. Ferris, take your next mini-retirement in Romania and do not write any more books.

“Where is Vladimir? Is he working on the Pütz? When will the Pütz be available at The Best Buy?”. These are common questions that I have been asked almost every day for the past three months. Until last week I did not have a good answer.

Sometime during the month of May Vladimir disappeared. He did not leave a note. He did not mark off any days on the Official DuroSport Corporate Vacation Calendar. He did not even turn on his “out of the office’ auto-reply in The Lotus Notes (even though the official DuroSport corporate policy dictates that all employees must use an “out of the office” auto-reply when leaving the office for more than 9 hours).

Many of us were angry that he would leave the company at such an important time. We are already one year late in bringing the Pütz to market, and now our Chief Product Engineer runs off to who knows where.

By June we all figured out that the company runs much more smoothly without Vladimir around. But that did not change the fact that we are counting on Vladimir to finish his engineering work on the Pütz. There are still many important design issues that must be addressed. It was beginning to look like maybe he was not up to the challenge. Could it be that Vladimir had outdone himself with the Prism DuroSport? Was it possible that the product specifications for the Pütz are so advanced that Vladimir does not have the necessary skills to finish the design?

By July we stopped worrying and learned to enjoy what we were all beginning to call “our special quiet time without Vladimir”.

The DuroSport employee night at The Safeco Field was particularly enjoyable this year without Vladimir around. He is constantly arguing that JJ Putz can run faster than Ichiro Suzuki. It is so stupid! He is the only person who could possibly believe that. Maybe JJ can beat Ichiro in The Arm Wrestling, but he is NOT faster than Ichiro.

Then the call came in from the Ministry of Public Awareness. They called to make me aware of the fact that Vladimir had spent over three months in a Moldovan jail! His debt to society had been repaid and they would release him as soon as someone could come and sign for him.

When you imagine all of the things that Vladimir might be arrested for, the real story was not so bad. He was “extradited” by The Moldovan Parking Enforcement and Secret Police for unpaid parking tickets. The Moldovan government is really cracking down on The Parking recently. They are serious about it too.

When I went to claim Vladimir (yes, I had to fly all the way to Moldova), I found out why they would not release him without a signature. It turns out they needed a valid credit card to cover the cost of Vladimir’s stay. When I signed for Vladimir the officer handed me a bill for 85,000 Moldovan Leu!

Here is the worst part. The bill was itemized: 20,000 Leu for “prisoner detention” and 65,000 Leu for “data access charges”.

Data access charges?!

If you are unfamiliar with Moldova you may not be aware that its prison system has recently undergone a number of upgrades. For a long time there were many whiney “human rights” advocates complaining to The United Nations about the treatment of prisoners in Moldova. It was ridiculous. What do they expect? They are prisoners, we should not treat them like they are staying at the Chisinau Inn!

But of course, as is always the case, the prisoners won out and Moldova was forced to upgrade its prisons. Now it really is like the Chisinau Inn. Except that the Chisinau Inn still does not have The Wireless Internet.

You can guess what Vladimir did the whole time he was in jail. Surfed The MySpace and made even more girlfriends. Who knows what kind of stupid product ideas they will give him.

So, now that Vladimir is back from his Summer Vacation in Moldova I hope that he will get back to work and finally finish the Pütz. At this rate they will release Zune 2.0 before the Pütz.

Everyone once in a while we get a complaint. This is very rare. You will have a hard time finding someone who has something bad to say about our DuroSport products. When we do get a complaint it is almost always a “user error”. And by “almost always” I mean ALWAYS.

Below I will reprint a complete transcript of a recent customer service encounter. Please note the following about this individual:

1. She is not an electrical engineer (completely unqualified to state that there is a problem with our product)
2. She obviously does not know how to use a simple ordinary web site.
3. She did not listen to our theme song (there are useful pointers in that song)
4. She does not have time to play 20 questions

If you know a stupid person, please urge them NOT to buy a DuroSport.

[19:09] Nero Rang: now what seems to be the problem here?
[19:09] DeeDee Lang: i tried using the player earlier
[19:09] DeeDee Lang: but it was very frustrating
[19:10] Nero Rang: May I ask what level of education you have completed?
[19:10] DeeDee Lang: graduate level, 3 sems to completion
[19:10] Nero Rang: and what is your background in electrical engineering?
[19:10] DeeDee Lang: Nero i don’t have time to play 20 questions
[19:11] DeeDee Lang: i’ve spent enough time trying to figure out this equipment
[19:11] You: I am sorry, if you are not willing to help me help you I can’t help you. Can I?
[19:11] DeeDee Lang: the point is it doesn’t work
[19:11] DeeDee Lang: so i asked earlier–is it a pretend player or does it really play in world
[19:11] You: I am sorry, but I am afraid there must be a user error and I am trying to figure out what your problem was
[19:11] You: Did you read the documentation?
[19:12] DeeDee Lang: :)
[19:12] You: And what exactly were you expecting? In what way did the Prism DuroSport SL6000vrmp not live up to your expectations?
[19:13] DeeDee Lang: i’m looking for a media player that can play my favorite songs in world
[19:13] DeeDee Lang: i read on your site
[19:13] DeeDee Lang: that the player can integrate with itune
[19:13] You: yes, it can
[19:14] You: did you get the iTunes compatibility kit?
[19:14] DeeDee Lang: no–not yet….i can’t even get past the same page
[19:14] DeeDee Lang: on the instruction button–it had 1 thru however many pages
[19:14] DeeDee Lang: but everytime i click on a page
[19:15] DeeDee Lang: the web page is the same web page over and over again
[19:15] You: and what page was that?
[19:15] You: Did you fill out a support request on our website?
[19:15] DeeDee Lang: no i didn’t.
[19:15] You: Oy, it is so hard trying to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.
[19:15] You: Did you listen to the theme song?
[19:15] DeeDee Lang: no.
[19:16] Otto the DuroSport Security Robot: Do not fear our technology – it is mostly harmless.
[19:16] Otto the DuroSport Security Robot: Please see durosport.com for more information about product recalls
[19:16] You: There are many answers in that song as well. Especially about the iTunes compatibility.
[19:16] You: It is sort of a customer support theme song
[19:16] DeeDee Lang: thanks for the refund, Nero.
[19:16] DeeDee Lang: I have to go.
[19:16] You: If you heard the song you would realize that you are the only person who has ever had a problem with our product.
[19:17] DeeDee Lang: have a great evening.
[19:17] You: May I ask you for a testimonial?
[19:17] You: about your experience with the DuroSport?
[19:17] DeeDee Lang: you wouldn’t want my testimonial. :)

Over the years The Geek Squad has frustrated me to no end. Usually I just need to get the price on some unmarked box. Instead, The Geeks insist on giving me a lecture on the history of the modem. I just want the price. I don’t need a lecture on something no one cares about.

Then there was the time they refused to help me with my clock radio! I purchased the radio at The Best Buy, so why wouldn’t The Geek Squad help me? “Not our department” they insisted. I think the truth was that they did not know how the clock radio worked and they were just too embarrassed to admit it. I finally got help from the nice lady in the appliance department. She was no “geek”, but thanks to her I am now finally on The Daylight Savings Time like everyone else.

Recently I read the news that The Geek Squad was moving into The Second Life. I found this to be quite interesting for obvious reasons. So many things are better in the “virtual” reality world of The Second Life that it is possible that The Geek Squad might be better too. So I decided to give The Geeks another chance.

In fact, I had an idea for a business partnership between The Geeks and DuroSport. My idea was that DuroSport could outsource product support to the Geeks in The Second Life.

As I have mentioned, our Virtual Prism DuroSport SL-6001VRMP has now outsold both The iPod and The Zune in The Second Life. While it is true that our virtual reality player is easy to use and maintenance free, there are some customers who cannot read the simple instructions. To be honest, we do not give an IQ test before we sell one of our players, so we have no way of knowing how dumb the customer might really be. We only find out afterward when they start calling our customer support number with all sorts of stupid questions. It is frustrating because there is almost nothing that can go wrong with a Prism DuroSport, and still some people have problems. Why not send these idiots to The Geek Squad?

It seemed like such a good idea that I packed up a Prism DuroSport and went to visit The Geek Squad on their new island. I was ready to offer extensive training for The Geeks, and I fully intended to hang a sign advertising The Geek Squad in the DuroStore in Jarang.

Just moments after arriving at The Geek Island it was clear to me that things were not right. First of all, there were at least two geeks for every customer — and for some strange reason I still had trouble getting assistance!

They were just standing around in a circle all wrapped up in some tedious discussion about running Windows 3.1 (not 3.11) on a cable modem. Then someone started talking about a DOS-based accounting system and you could practically see The Geeks begin to drool.

After repeatedly asking for help I finally received assistance from some young man named Timmy2608. You may find this hard to believe, but Timmy had never heard of the Prism DuroSport and said he couldn’t help.

“Not a problem”, I said, “I just happen to have one with me and I’m prepared to provide you Geeks with all the training you need in order to support our best-selling product”. At which point I brought out one of our virtual players and began to demonstrate it for the group of geeks.

This next part is what I find almost impossible to believe. The Geeks could not have been less interested in the virtual Prism DuroSport or my business proposal. The same geeks who were all wrapped up in their discussion of Windows 3.1 (not 3.11) and DOS accounting systems had no interest in my 8 foot-tall portable media player! I suspect they may not have been real geeks.

At this point they referred me to their “media relations department” at 888-237-8289. They were obviously not prepared to do business in The Second Life. Why would I call media relations when we were all standing right there in The Second Life? And how come Media Relations is not in The Second Life?

Then it got worse. They told me they could not help me because The Geek Squad does not sell mp3 players, and then they tried to insist that The Geek Squad is not owned by The Best Buy. Here is the transcript which I saved because the conversation was so unbelievable:

[19:45] VACody GeekSquad: and we don’t sell MP3 players
[19:45] VACody GeekSquad: ok?
[19:45] Nero Rang: but you are owned by the best buy
[19:45] Nero Rang: and you wouldn’t be here without them
[19:45] Nero Rang: it’s a best buy promotional gimmick
[19:45] Nero Rang: I know how these things work
[19:45] VACody GeekSquad: Yes we would
[19:45] VACody GeekSquad: GS was made on it’s own
[19:45] VACody GeekSquad: not by best buy
[19:45] VACody GeekSquad: we are an affiliate
[19:45] VACody GeekSquad: not directly owned
[19:45] Michael2464 GeekSquad: Geek Squad has been a company long before BestBuy purchased us
[19:45] VACody GeekSquad: but close though
[19:45] VACody GeekSquad: good job on your almost research into our company
[19:46] VACody GeekSquad: thank you for contacting Geek Squad

That VACody was insulting and rude. And he was also wrong, because according to The Geek Squad website:

Geek Squad refers to a line of computer and technology services offered by Best Buy Stores, L.P.

So the virtual Geek Squad were not telling me the truth. Or maybe they are so dumb they don’t even know who owns the company.

After I gave up on the idea of using The Geek Squad for DuroSport product support I just wanted to find out what it was they could help me with. Why are The Geek Squad in The Second Life anyway?

Here is an example of the surly treatment I received from the geeks:

[19:53] Michael2464 GeekSquad: Unfortunately, Geek Squad does not provide support for products not produced by us.
[19:53] Nero Rang: so what products do you support?
[19:53] Michael2464 GeekSquad: We support products specifically made by us.
[19:54] Nero Rang: what products do you make, it’s a simple question
[19:54] VACody GeekSquad: Flash Drives
[19:54] VACody GeekSquad: for one thing
[19:54] VACody GeekSquad: you only asked for one
[19:54] VACody GeekSquad: so I will only give you one
[19:54] VACody GeekSquad: now that that is settled
[19:54] VACody GeekSquad: is there anything else I can do for you?

But, the thing is, I did not ask for only one example. The virtual Geeks do not listen to their customers and they are more concerned with playing in their bumper cars (which, I believe, are supposed to be for the customers). They were acting as if I had interrupted their Geek Squad Playtime.

I am beginning to think that this whole Geek Island is a scam so that The Geek Squaders can work at home in their pajamas.

I do not think that I need to tell you that The Geek Squad will not be getting any of my business in the future. In fact, because of this experience I may no longer shop at The Best Buy.

It is not just me. Other people are having problems with The Geek Squad too. Hopefully the Geek Squaders are not watching me take a shower. I have no way of knowing whether they are or not. If there is some way to tell will someone please let me know.

Until next time, please don’t ask The Geek Squad for help. They are too busy playing games in The Second Life (and watching people take showers).